Thank you for being my Mother!!

 My mom of 57 years, the wife of my father for 60 years and Gods magnificent work for 78 years passed away peacefully at home on January 20th, 2023.   I will miss her more than you can imagine, and I can imagine quite a bit, believe me.   Why do I feel so empty, why do I feel so alone?  I'll be honest, over the last year in my mom's failing health I started to pull back, I hated seeing her struggling with not only just living but having quality of life.  I wanted to have those long phone conversations like I used to do but it was hard.  I could tell she was struggling just to talk so I didn't want to be a burden.  When I saw her in the hospital after a corrected heart problem she looked well.  She was eating a burger and we talked for a while about kids, my band, traveling plans.  That was really the last enjoyable conversation I would have.  Future encounters were short and hard for her to manage. I feel bad her last year of life was such a struggle, she was always the persistent housewife and living at home unable to do those duties took its toll.  

    My mom loved to talk about the grandkids. She always wanted to know how they were doing and what's new.  I didn't live close, so I called from time to time, and she was always asking "how's Reagan, how's Rylee".  Not deep conversations but never less conversations that now I see were my validation.   Yes Validation.  My mom was my validation that I was being a great dad.  My kids had a split household, and many times in divorce kids ended up getting poor grades or have social problems.  Mine were always on the "A" honor roll and never left a path of problems to clean up.  Mom once asked me, "how did your kids end up so good", I would say, "luck of the draw I guess" but that is not the truth and I never told her the truth. The truth is "YOU!" You gave me the keys to the "kingdom of great parenting".  You planted the seed a long time ago when I was separating from my wife.  She told me "Always give your kids 100 percent". No lecture, no long talk, she simply said, give your kids 100 percent.  I soon realized what that meant.  

    In a divorce many times the kids are pawns for the parents.  You pay 50 percent and I'll pay 50 percent.  Then one parent pays 20 percent, and the kids suffer.  She said they are 100 percent your kids and if you give them 100 percent and the other parent chips in 20 then they get 120 percent.  Problem solved! That is all it took for me to realize what I had to do to be a good parent.  Just give them 100 percent. 

    As I look back at the conversations we had at Christmas, birthdays, weddings, and hundreds of phone calls, I realize not only I was getting my mom's validation, I think she was getting some also.  I only hope that I have surpassed her expectations in the father department.  That I have validated her work as a mother.  I know she is smiling in heaven. I know we will still talk, it will be a one-way conversation, but we will talk.  I can't wait to see you again and tell you what a great role model and parent you were, but I think someone up there has taken care of that for me.  I love you and will miss you mom.  

Letter from a Father to his Daughter

    I thought I would take time to post a letter I wrote to my Daughter on her 18th Birthday.  I couldn't always give much but I always gave my all.  So for her 18th birthday I gave her my recap on 18 years of being a father.  Hope you enjoy the read! 

"18 + years ago I became a father for the first time.  I had no idea what I was doing, how baby things worked.  How this beginning journey of fatherhood would transpire for my first born.  I had to figure this "father" thing out and I had to do it in a hurry.  I gave it my best effort.  I feed you when you cried, I rocked you in a car seat at 3 am when you cried, I changed your poopy pants (what seemed like 15 times a day) when you cried.  Then you smiled at me and it was all over.  You won!!  You captured my heart.

I always thought my happiest moments were single strikes in time, getting married, your first words but I was wrong.  Happiness with you is a daily event.  Watching you grow and learn. Even in times when money was tight and I was on my own, just going to the mall, or park, those memories I will always cherish.  When I look at all the pictures of the things we did or places we went I sometimes tear up because I only remember how great it was to share those with you.  If it were possible, I would experience every day again, all 6699 of them. 

Being your father has been my greatest honor, it has brought me more love than I can humanly express.  If someone asked me “what’s your favorite thing to do”, I would say being your dad is tops.  Tops because nothing can be better, absolutely nothing.  You were never a mistake, and inconvenience, a pain, a chore, a hindsight. You are always front and center in my world.  When you cry, I cry, when you laugh, I laugh, when your heart is broken mine is also broken. 

As you travel thought your next years of college, graduate and get your first teaching job, grow to have your own family,  remember you will not be alone, you will never be alone on your journey.  I will always be by your side and you will always be front and center. The best part is I get to be your Father!! "  

--Love Dad!!

Why do I care!

Why do I care if a radio talk show host passes away.  I have never meet Rush Limbaugh, never called and talked to him.  Why do I feel sadness then?  When I listen to the broadcast my heart is empty.  Yes it is sadness for someone that I never had the pleasure of meeting or talking too.  It took a little time to figure out but I think I know why.  It's the memories of what I did while I listened to the broadcast.  Here let me explain.  

When Rush first came on the radio or more aptly said, when I first listened to Rush Limbaugh, I was working selling insurance in Rochester MN.  It was the Bush vs Clinton election and my conservative Ideas were being echoed by some new radio personality.  It was nice to have someone on my side since too many people thought getting on the Clinton train was "cool".  (I could go off in a thousand directions about why I am conservative but lets save that for another time).  Anyway I bought Rushes book "The way it out to be" on cassette so I could listen in my car. (Couple of years ago I found it in my garage and had no way to play it so I pitched it) I digress.  I was delighted to listen to someone that had said the same things I have always believed.  Bought the next book also but soon time and distractions got the best of me and I quit listening.  

  I think I picked up the listening again in the Obama years after I started a new job.  I was trying to loose weight and decided to go walking every lunch hour and during that time I would "Tune in".  I spent many lunch hours walking and every day I could count on Rush to be there with me.  Even if it was super cold, I would still, suit up, and, tune in, just to go on the walk,  like Rush was some motivating coach poking me to get off my seat.  Couple years past and Rush releases an app, now I could download podcasts with no commercials, listen to more of him and less commercials about "Cars for Kids" This made the experience that much more enjoyable and kept me in my routine.  His enthusiasm for Apple products, golf, and just life in general was infectious so politics was not the only reason I tuned in.  I always new when a new Apple update was being released because I listened to a Political show.  Makes no sense correct?  So my connection was not merely a sense of politics but more as a listener of a great entertainer.

This was the ritual for many years until "COVID"  (and you thought 4 letter words were bad)  moved me to a home office. Now I had to figure out a new routine, but I could always count on that 11-2 slot being filled with a friendly voice.  A co-pilot ensuring me that everything will be OK.  We will land this plane together!  So that is why I am sad.  My friendly voice, on and off, for 30 years is now at rest.  Last year my Favorite band lost their drummer to cancer and you guessed it, the band is Rush!  I felt the same way as I do now. Empty!  Rush Limbaugh was someone I could always count on to entertain me.  If I felt sad I would tune in and he would make me laugh.  If I felt overwhelmed I would listen and be reassured.  If I was just tiered of listening to all the political bullshit on the left I could count on his opinion to balance.  

As I grow older I have learned to expect more change.  Not always good or bad, but change.  I know COVID will  go away, my band will start taking more of my time and things will get back to a new normal.  Maybe the radio show will morph into something new that will be as entertaining, I can only hope because those will be extremely large shoes to fill.  Right now I will have memories to look back on and new ones to make.  Thanks Rush Limbaugh for filling that 3 hour gap in my life every weekday.  Thanks for the knowledge, the grace, the technology and mostly the humor.  You will be missed!    

Social What and Why!

 

This has nothing to do with Trump, but you probably wouldn’t read my rant if I said, “My Rant” anyway Facebook has become a vial sewer of political division and censorship.  Relatives and friends pitted against one another, spewing nothing but political talking points.   I cannot have a conversation without someone yelling…Trump is unhinged, dangerous etc, and I am not even discussing politics.  I want to be on FB to discuss music, family, friends.  I cannot do this anymore since EVERYONE is political.  What guitar should I buy? Fuck Trump! Nice puppy pictures, Biden is an asshole! Think about it… Did the national politics make a difference in your life?  Did 8 years of Obama change anything in your life, NOPE.  Did 4 years of Trump change anything.  For me NO! Then why is everyone so divided? Hmm  

Another thing, I am tired of being told that as a conservative I am some sort of Race hating white supremacist.  As a white man I am now the worst vial human that ever has existed.  It only gets worse from there.  FB will post all this lefty shit and litter my feed with political crap but if I try to defend myself or other conservatives then I get put in FB jail for policy infringement.  You must except the fact that as a white conservative man you are nothing but a waste of life and a vile racist.  How dare you exist. 

I’m sad, I liked FB.  But what FB has turned into is a mission to silence not debate the other side.  I like reading the fun stories about friend lives.  I like connecting with my relatives. Social media has made this fun and enjoyable but not anymore.  I do not have the time to delete and scrub the crap from my feed.  It just keeps piling up.   

So, I have made a conscious decision to resign my time on FB as I did twitter (another vial cesspool of crap).  I will no longer read my feed, post any items, or participate in anything personal on FB.  I will continue to work on the band sites but personally I am done.  You will no longer see family photos, puppy pictures, anything meaningful in my life will not be post on this pile of crap social media platform. 

I will not be offline; I can still be found on Instagram or snapchat.  In addition, politics will be off my radar for the next couple of years also.  I do not care to hear anything our leaders have to say, it won’t make a difference in my life anyway.  National politics will only fuel more haters on FB and add to more censorship. So Facebook you are now on notice and you are in My Jail!! Good luck getting out!  

Heart Broke!

I'm Stunned, saddened, heart broke.  Why? As you now know if you are any type of musician, Neil Peart of the Band Rush passed away recently. I don't think I need to list the thousands of credentials this man holds in playing, performing, writing, traveling, and well, just being one incredible human.  Instead of  writing his biography, which would take hundreds of pages to complete, I would like to tell you how Rush played a roll in my life.
   I was sitting on the couch yesterday and I had this empty feeling in my stomach as I read all the condolences on twitter.  Why was I feeling down? Why did I have teary eyes? Neil was not my relative, friend, hell I'm sure he and I new nothing about each other. So why did I feel so empty?  I didn't feel this way when Minnesota native Prince passed away suddenly.  I had to think on this one. So I did and I think I found my answer.
    I was introduced to Rush around the late 70's after the 2112 album was released. I remember listening to some songs and I thought they were cool but I didn't really pick up on the band till my friend Sunny got me hooked on the album "Permanent Waves"...the song "the Spirit of the Radio" had now become my favorite song and soon the band pushed out the likes of STYX and Kansas as my band of choice.  The album was released in January of 1980, so I have literally been listening and collecting memories for 40 years.  I think that is it.  Not the band so much but all the memories of the places, friends, and good times that I have collected over the course of  40 years while listening to Rush music. I measured everything in Rush years. I think that is the easiest way to put it. I can't always tell you what I was doing in my life in a certain year but I can tell you what happened when I opened a new Rush Album, VHS, DVD, or saw them live, you get the idea. What was I doing in 1988? I don't quite remember but I do remember getting into my red Chevy chevette in the driveway of my parents home and opening a cassette of "A show of hands".  I remember going to lunch with a Target coworker in 1984 and listening to "Distant Early Warning" I couldn't tell you the name of the person I was with but I remember the moment.  The trip I took to Winona MN and listening to the whole album "Presto" fall of 1989.  I remember living in my apartment in Rochester and watching "Chronicles" on VHS, I think I wore that tape out. I was such a big fan I new the producers on the albums, the road crew on the liner notes, I felt as though I was part of the family in a weird way.  Every year is marked with a song, album or tour! Every memory marked by a Rush moment in time. The memories go on, and on, and on. Too may to list.
    Now it is sad to say my clock is permanently broken.  Never to be wound again by the magic of my favorite band.   I always held hope that some day the band would once again come off hiatus and start a new project. Restarting my Rush clock and collecting more memories. Now that Neil Peart's clock has ticked its last tick mine too has also run dry. 40 years of tick, tick, tick, then nothing but silence.  I now understand my grief.  I understand why I have this pit in my stomach.  I will continue to listen to the great music of Rush relive the years and make new memories, but now I guess they will be measured by father time. Rest in Peace Neil Peart.

So you wanna be a Rock Star "The Clock Radio"

We moved from southern Texas to Minnesota in January 1972.  For a southern boy, January in Minnesota was just not so much a change in weather but a WTF moment.  Starting a new school in the middle of 1st grade, adopting a new culture, (you talk funny) and travelling from the gulf coast to snows Ville was quite a shock.  I went from "Howdy" to "Hi", from "Coke" to "Pop" and "Ya'll" to "what's Ya'll?"  Minnesota is worlds apart from the southern coast of Texas and if its winter, Its Cold!  The first point of business was to get outfitted with the proper snow gear.  In the early 1970's the fashion was a snowmobile suit and snowmobile boots. (What's a snowmobile?) Since we were from the south mom made sure we were properly outfitted. You remember the kid from "A Christmas story" the one that couldn't move, walk, or well do anything but yell "Help me up!" that was me. Talk about sheer shock, a southern boy in cowboy boots and shorts getting stuffed into some sort of moon landing gear.  Well enough on the weather, I still live here and it's still cold.  Spring could not come quick enough for this Texan but spring sprang then came summer, then the lazy, hazy, days of a hot humid summer, (now that's more like it).  August saw my birthday and after scoring some cash from relatives I had enough money to make a large purchase. 20 bucks large. I can't quite remember where my mom and I went but I remember making a purchase, my first music device.  You might think a guitar, or guitar amp, but no, this was a device that would have more effect on my life than any of those items combined, a device that would soon fill my nightstand with music and time.  Time? Yes I said "Time".  I purchased a clock radio, and this thing was cool! It had an AM FM radio along with a sleep timer, alarm buzzer, and lightly illuminated clock flipper that had a small incandescent light that was warm and inviting.  The two-inch speaker pumped out all the hits of the time, "Don't go breaking my heart", " With a little luck", "Dream on", what an amazing little box.  This was the device that told me Elvis has died, "sorry seems to be the hardest word" and expect a high of -20 today.  This one simple device made sure I woke up every day for school and pumped my ears full of dreams and memories.  Every night I would reach over to my nightstand, set the sleep timer and fall asleep to the glow of the small light and the tick of the clock while listen to "Kung fu fighting" or "Rhinestone cowboy."  Many years later the flipper thing started slowing down, the 2 inch speaker didn't work as it should, and disco was dead. Like most things, technology started knocking on the door which meant it was time to replace its dated display and electronics.  I'm not sure when me and Mr Emerson parted ways but Elton John, Chicago, Aerosmith and many of the other 70's bands were a part of my life thanks to a two inch speaker mounted in a plastic box with a tiny flip display sitting on a wire nightstand illuminating not only the night but my future.

So you wanna be a Rock Star, the beginning

In order to understand where my future lies its important to understand where I came from.  The Mayflower was a ship that carried the pilgrims from England to America.  The captain of the ship, Miles Standish, was a....ok ok that is a little too far back.  I guess I could start with my Parents, without them I literally would not exist.  My parent grew up in two different towns connected by a central school.  Dad was from Mantorville and Mom was from Kasson.  They married in 1962 and 3 years later 2 boys were bouncing off the walls in a small home in Florida.  Dad was in the navy and had transferred a few times so Florida was our current home.  I don't remember much but I do have a lot of cute pictures.  If I could have stayed that cute I think I would have had a career in the movies.  (Eat your heart out Macaulay.) Growing up in Florida was a fun hot humid childhood. I do remember one day my dad bought me a toy machine gun and my brother got a pirate hat, patch, and plastic knife.  I always wanted to be a swashbuckler so I begged him to trade for a bit, me giving up my gun and he loaning me the hat, patch and knife, but I quickly learned that trades are not always fair, and no way was he going to part with the knife.  I begged and cried but no way was that knife coming off his side, so I got to run around saying "Aye Matyey" and swinging a stick and he got to keep the goods.  (Knowing my brother he probably still has the outfit in a box.)  I shouldn't degrees since this is about my music career and not pirates and GI Joes.  At three years of age I was not into music yet, I was still honing my tricycle skills, and searching for my blanket that I constantly misplaced but one important song that I do remember is not really a song but a TV show.  Every time the speaker on the TV blared out the song "Flipper" I would come running like a bloodhound after a convict.  If you don't remember the show, go ahead and google it, I've got time.  Flipper was the first show or song I can remember.  Few things stand out in my mind but flipper will always hold a spot in my heart.

 I don't remember my parents listening to the radio, stereo, or really anything musical.  They never played and instrument, they never sang in the shower.  Matter a fact quite a few years later I discovered an album collection in my parents attic space which absolutely blew me away since I never thought of them as music lovers or hell even listeners.  More on that later.  Where did all this love of music come from?  My brother didn't listen to the radio, or start and album collection I could pilfer from. My parents never had anything but the TV on.  I did have a grandmother that played the piano and and great grandfather that sang at hundreds of weddings and funerals, but if I keep going backward we will be back on the mayflower sailing back to England.  I guess the question should not be where I found the love but that I found the love, a love that has endured eight presidents and counting.

 

So You Wanna be a Rock Star "Chasing the dream"

I have decided that it is time, time for what your say? Time to write about a passion that has consumed me since, well since I can remember.  Its a story about a fire that started when I was a young teen living in Kasson Minnestoa and has raged for more than 40 years. Its a story about many people, fun times and frustrating times.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. The ups and downs, times of feast and famine. The drive to become a Rock Star! Play guitar, tour the country in a bus, have girls chasing me down the street.  I have been at this quest for many years.  Do I still have the Dream!! Can I still become that "Rock Star." I might still have a dream but I am also a realist, at age 54 I think the only chicks chasing me down the street are going to be grandmothers. If my story is entertaining enough maybe I will get a book deal!  Once again I am a realist, but you never know, right? Maybe publishers will be chasing me down the street.  Maybe grandmothers will be chasing the publishers, walkers in hand. "Give that man a book deal" as they pop there dentures back in their mouths.  I love to entertain and my life as a musician is very entertaining.  At least my life is entertaining I will let you decide on the music part. So here we go, bad grammar, bad writing skills, horrible composition but a story no less.  Please don't grade me on my poor use of comma's, or lack of quotes but grade me on the humor I bring to the pages.   This is a story, (there are many stories like this one) but this is my story. A story about chasing a dream to be a rock star that has actually been more fulfilling than ever becoming a rock star. At least that's what the other rock stars tell me.
 

How Technology Changed The Band (At least my part)

When you say technology and music you get two schools of thought. First their are the purist or Old School Artist who have done everything the same way since the beginning of time and then their are the tech heads who look for new ways to reinvent themselves.  All my life I have enjoyed how technology has simplified my life. Now in my 3rd decade of performing professionally I decided to take a look back to the beginnings and reflect on how Technology has helped me saving time and energy in this fickle thing called the music business.

Now that I think of it there are way too many advances in music to write about without creating a book so lets just talk about one item that gets taken for granted.  Creating a set list.  You would think that picking out songs to perform and putting them in order was, well, not a huge task.  Hmm "Jessie's Girl"  lets play that in set two, 10th song.  That wasn't hard.  What else should we play? Whats new? hmmm (I'm listening to talk radio now so that is not a good barometer).  Hey First Lady " What else should the band play? I got "Jessie's Girl" on the list.  "Go away I'm Playing on my iPad". Hey that's an idea.  Lets check out this program on my phone called "Spotify".

Some would only see a program that allows you to listen to most any song you want to here but I see a set makers dream.  First of all I can research all the hits in a genre that I like just by pressing the radio button.  So I am listening to Paramore, and I hit radio and instantly I hear all the songs for that style.  The songs start playing and I simply move them to a list I created so I can vet them later.  The songs cover everything from 80's, 90's and today.  PERFECT!  What songs are popular? I can find that out by how many plays each one has so I know I'm in the ball park when I see a song with 50 million plays.  I then take the songs and arrange them into three set list by dragging and dropping them.  I need an hour for each list so instead of adding up times i just look at the overall time at the top of the list.  Instantly I know how long each set  list is so I don't have to guess.  I then want to share with the band, no problem, they subscribe to my lists, and they have them in order on their phones.  Need to practice? Still no problem, I just plug my phone into my guitar rig and play along.

One app on my phone takes the place of what used to be hours of work, looking at lists, recording all the songs on cassette, (OMG that took days, not hours, days) getting the songs to the band members, scribbling out a list on paper and re righting it many times to get the order correct, (Spotify just drag and drop) then coping the paper list at the drug store for 10 cents a copy, driving to the gig and distributing the list to everyone only to hear, "Really? Jessie's Girl in the 2nd set my voice is tiered by then"  Oh Brother...

Best investment I ever made

Back in 2006 I was working for a Ford dealership after I had gotten off the road as a full time musician.  A lady came in and wanted me to take a look at her car as there were a few pieces on the ground and she

didn't want to move it.  She was local so I stopped by and found a 1995 Red Ford Taurus with a broken front spring.  I towed it back to the shop and gave her the estimate to fix the spring which was now out of warranty.  She did not want to spend the money on a car with 165,000 miles on it, so she offered to sell the car. I bought the car and pulled the records at the shop and saw that she maintained oil changes and all the maintenance so I was comfortable paying what she asked. She sold it to me for $100.00.  I fixed the springs which cost about 200 bucks and started driving it.  Everything worked good on the car, even the air conditioning was cold.

Over the years I made sure to change the oil every 3k and I had to replace little things.  Back springs, Alternator etc.  Finally at 225,000 the transmission was slipping.  I did my homework and found a replacement for $200 which was under 100,000 miles and had a mechanic install.  Total price $500.  Not bad, the Air conditioning was still blowing cold and everything seamed to work on the car, even the cruise control.

Guess what?  It is now the summer of 2014.  I have owned the car for 8 years and have drove it daily.  It has just turned 300,000 miles and burns about a 1/2 quart of oil between changes. The radio is stuck on AM and there is some rust and dents but overall still solid.  Recently it saved me from a pretty major accident in which a big truck pulled out in front of me on the highway and forced me to do some fancy NASCAR moves to avoid total destruction. Who would have thought in the 1990's that with regular maintenance a car could be on the road 19 years.  My youngest daughter only remembers one car and she is now 9.  Both the girls never are embarrassed to be seen getting dropped off at school or ask to get rid of the "old junker" matter of fact it has been in the family so long it is almost like a family member.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it when I get a new car.  You can't just throw it away and with that many miles it might be hard to sell.

The only thing I know is that I saved the car from the junk yard many years ago and it has paid me back 10 fold.  It is the oldest car in the company parking lot and it has survived living outside in the Minnesota winters, driven my kids to 3 different schools,  numerous sets of tires, brakes, oil changes, trips to work, trips to the grocery store, vacations, being broke into, a couple of windshields and even a hail storm or two. I have an old golf club to prop the hood open when I need to check the oil.  There are coffee stains on the rug and you can pull the key out of the ignition when its running.  But like all things, it is showing age and I know there are not many miles left to be had. I hope to get through one more winter and then its time to replace with a new model.  My 100 bucks have served me well and guess what?  The Air Conditioning still blows cold.

How much could a woodchuck chuck??

First of all, it has been a while so thanks for hanging out with me.  I recently was talking to one of my
cousins, (large commodity in Kasson MN) about fire places.  He was bound and determined to sell me on the fact that a wood  fireplace is the way to go.  I am in a unique position because I grew up with a wood fireplace and now have a gas one.  Let me tell you the difference in my own creative way.

I sat down to watch a movie this winter and went to crank up the fireplace for a little warmth and atmosphere when all the sudden I flashed back to 1979.  The thought ran through my head, what would I be doing if I had a wood fireplace and not a gas one.  Well glad you asked.  First of all I would have to find a $1000 pickup truck.  You can't cut wood without a truck that is pre-dented and rusted.  I would then take a Saturday to go to the local Lowes and pick out a shinny new amputator..ahhh chainsaw.  I would need to pick out one that would not start on the first or second pull so I would have lots of 4 letter words to spout as I cursed the day away. Where would I procure the wood?? Maybe a local farmer would not mind me ransacking his grove so I could work out my back muscles that I forgot I had.

Oh there is more, much more!  So now I have to call the local rental company and rent a wood splitter so I can get the lumber into manageable pieces.  I un-stack the wood, split the lumber and re-stack making sure I cover with a tarp that I have to chase after on windy days . What am I up too in cost and time.  $2000 in truck, saw and rental plus 2-3 Saturdays and a couple days in bed to relax the aching back?? OK I am on the home stretch now.  I bring the wood downstairs an hour before my movie, dropping slivers on to the carpet that will soon find their way into the bottom of my foot. I stack an adequate supply next to the fireplace door which I can not see through since there is a buildup of soot from the last time I used it. So I grab the glass cleaner and spray the glass, dripping all over the newspaper I forgot to lay down...Crap!!   I then put the wood in the fireplace and strike the match. Forty five minutes later I now have a fire which I have to pause the movie for, so I can open the flue, close the flue, clear the smoke, swear at the ants crawling from the stack of wood and re-stoke for the perfect amber glow...

Or I can press the button on the front panel and sit back and enjoy my gas!